The Child Who Challenges You Most Might Need You Most

A teacher once told me about a student who was constantly disrupting her classroom.

“I’ve tried everything,” she said, exhaustion clear in her voice. “Time-outs, rewards, parent conferences, behavior charts. Nothing works. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the day and protect the other kids’ learning.”

I understood her frustration completely. I’d felt it myself as a teacher.

When you’re responsible for more than twenty-five students and one is derailing the entire class, survival mode kicks in. You focus on managing the moment, not uncovering the root cause.

And the truth is, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do. You have to protect the learning environment. You have to keep the rest of the class moving forward.

Understanding the “why” behind a child’s behavior doesn’t make the disruption disappear and it doesn’t make those moments any less challenging.

But here’s what I’ve learned: the child causing the most problems is often the one struggling the most.

And when we only focus on managing the disruption—protecting the other students, maintaining order, just getting through the day, we can miss opportunities to support the child who needs it most.

What We Miss When We Only See the Surface

When we look underneath the behavior instead of just reacting to it, we can help children build empathy, understand others’ experiences, and begin to recognize their own emotions.

These aren’t just extra skills kids need. They’re essential. They’re the foundation of how children will navigate relationships, handle conflict, and understand their own inner world long after childhood ends.

But we have to be willing to get curious first.

When we label a child as “the bully” or “the troublemaker,” we stop looking for what’s driving the behavior. We miss the boy who’s acting out because his parents are divorcing. We miss the girl who’s mean to others because she’s being bullied herself. We miss the child who disrupts class because sitting still with their own thoughts feels overwhelming.

Every behavior is communication.

Sometimes it sounds like, “I don’t care,” when what they really mean is, “I don’t think I’m good at this.”

Or it looks like pushing someone away when what they really want is to be included.

And when we get curious about what a child is trying to say rather than just trying to silence them, we can finally help them find healthier ways to express it.

Why I Wrote Passing Notes

This realization became the heart of my book, Passing Notes. I didn’t just want to tell a story about bullying. I wanted to explore the why behind it.

Because children like Griffin, the antagonist in the story, aren’t just “mean.” They’re often navigating things we can’t see—instability at home, feeling invisible, trying to fit in, or carrying pain they don’t know how to express.

Through Griffin’s story, kids begin to see the pain beneath the behavior and start to understand that there’s often more going on than what they see on the surface.

And here’s what I’ve discovered: when children begin to understand that; when they learn to look past behavior and ask themselves why someone might be acting this way, something powerful happens.

Walls come down. Connections form. And kindness starts to grow in places where judgment used to live.

A Small Shift That Makes a Big Difference

You don’t need to be a teacher to put this into practice.

The next time a child in your life says something like, “Something weird happened at school today,” or, “Everyone was laughing at me,” try this:

Pause. Lean in. And say, “Tell me more about that.”

Don’t rush to fix it. Don’t immediately offer solutions or minimize their feelings.

Just listen. Ask questions. Get curious about what they’re experiencing and what it means to them.

Those small moments of curiosity and connection can change the way a child sees themselves and how they see others. It teaches them that their feelings matter, that it’s safe to talk about hard things, and that understanding is always more powerful than judgment.

Understanding Is Where Change Begins

The children who challenge us the most are often the ones who need us the most.

And when we choose understanding over judgment, when we get curious instead of frustrated, and when we look for the story beneath the behavior, we give them something incredibly powerful:

The chance to be seen. The chance to grow. The chance to change.

That’s the gift of understanding. And it’s one every child deserves—the “difficult” ones most of all.

Continue the Conversation

If this message resonates with you, Passing Notes was written to help continue these conversations with children, in classrooms, and at home.

Inside, you’ll find discussion questions that invite kids to think more deeply about empathy, behavior, and understanding others.

You can learn more at TammyWilsonAuthor.com.

Because sometimes, the most important lessons don’t come from what we teach. They come from what we choose to see